Potty Perseverance

Now that you have graduated from the Five P's to PP process, let me give you just a few key tips for the duration of your Crappy Chronicles.  :)

As I'm sure you've discovered now, Little Larry has conquered the poopy-problem right along with the wet one.  They sort of go hand-in-hand...or seat-in-seat, if you prefer.  Next, it's time to get MOBILE, Mama!

Start small...and PLAN long.  Maybe a trip to the grocery store, with a short list.  You will undoubtedly have to abandon your cart as you rush Sudden Sammie to the public restroom.  Yeah.  Gross.

There are two tricks to this that I've learned. Unfortunately, Squirting Solomon  hasn't learned to pee while standing just yet...it's a bit harder to relax that way.  (Once he can, I suggest standing behind him placing him ON your toes to boost his li'l hee-haw high enough.  Reach over his shoulders and hold him steady with your hands curled back under his armpits.  You can lift your toes up a bit if he still needs an inch or two!)

#1. Carry a travel pack of anti-bacterial wipes in your purse...at all times.  Clean the seat well (as well as the part of the bowl-rim that shows between the splitting-front of the seat.  Then place a seat cover down. You will probably need to push half way down from his belly button...using his little tummy chub to slide downward pushing his spontaneous squirter southward.  Or move your shoes.  :). The whole public bathroom REALLY grosses me out, personally...so this is not my first choice.  However, there are bound to be times when it is necessary...so ALWAYS be prepared!

#2. Remember that little potted potty?  Pack it WITH you, and park close.  Take a little trot to the tiny toilet, instead of the grocery germ-pool.  :). Your cart will wait. Even ice cream will refreeze!  (Or, you could slyly swap it for one of its still-solid sisters.)

The key to avoiding anxiety is to be prepared with a small folded towel lining the bum portion of thee car-seat, using plastic undie covers, packing the potty & antibacterial wipes...and PLANNING EXTRA TIME.

Most importantly...do NOT take the road of convenience and use a diaper or pullup!  If you do, you might as well schedule NOW for a 3 day repeat as your Diaper-Loving Daisy Sue is sure to take ten GIANT steps backwards!

Keep up the good work, busy Mama!  Please comment and share your experience, ideas & suggestions with us!

Dis'n Diaper Duty

Five P's...to Minus PP

Why is potty training so difficult?  Well, for a child under two, usually the only obstacle is simple naïveté. Thankfully, they are eager to LEARN and accomplish new things!

But for a child age two and a half or older, it has become a like a bad habit.  One which they are given very little motivation to change...and they also face temptation all around them.  A simple sticker isn’t going to work…

The GOOD news is, the fast fix for ANY age is the same.  Notice that I didn't say it is necessarily "easy."  But, what wouldn't you give to have it all over with?  Three days of determination, and staying home is all it will take.

First…the HOW... 

PLAN:

Before you start, select a three day period for which you have no appointments or outside responsibilities...and PLAN to focus fully on the task at hand.  Get your grocery shopping done ahead of time, and be sure you have laundry soap, toilet paper & baby wipes as well as the things you will need to prepare fast & easy one-pot dinners during this training period.

DO NOT BUY PRODUCTS SUCH as Pull-Ups, or any other commercial "potty training" supplies.  (Except for a potty chair, of course.). Instead, purchase some cute little undies. You won't use plastic covers or anything during these first three days, at least.  (After that, plastic covers are a good idea for while riding in the car, or being in public.  I'll explain...)

 

 

PURGE:

Get a garbage bag and go on a diaper hunt.  Discard...yes, even THROW AWAY every last stashed diaper in your home, diaper bag, purse & glove box! And YES...even the one you noticed under the couch while vacuuming, and left there to come to your rescue during an "Oh, crud, I forgot to buy diapers!" moment.  :)

Get them OUT of sight!  Expel them from your home like a dirty habit...forever! (If you were sincerely determined & devoted to stop eating chocolate, it would be imperative that you get rid of ALL traces of it and ban it from your home, right?)

That ONE diaper you miss while purging, will doubtless turn up at the MOST stressful point over the next few days...and tempt you into giving in to "just ONE more".  That may be easy enough for YOU...but it will take your Small Sonny backwards...beyond where you were to begin with.

PROMISE

Make yourself a strict promise that you will NOT buy more...no matter what!    If you sincerely want this potty training stage to be over for good, then make a solid commitment to keep ALL diapers OUT of your life.  I'm not kidding.  NOTE:  I cannot stress this enough…never, ever...EVER waste one penny on so called "training pants".  They are just enabling DIAPERS, and they WILL stall, if not halt your progress.  Period.

PRESENTATION:

Get down on your child’s level…face to face.  Excitedly explain that you are going to start on an adventure to learn something new...to learn to be a "big boy" or girl.  YOUR excitement for new things will easily rub off on them...and they will get excited, too! Your little one is better at reading you than you know...and if they perceive any uncertainty or fear in your voice or facial expressions, they will be filled with anxiety...which will hinder them from the very start.

The 15-24 month old will eagerly follow you on this exciting expedition, where an older will likely respond with horror, anger, or some other strongly traumatic emotion.  How fun for you. L (This is why waiting is NOT in your best interest.  By doing so, you have sentenced yourself to some serious opposition in this diaper-destroying dive. More to come regarding this step for the older child…keep reading.)

PLUNGE:

Go about your home-bound day...with your child in minimal clothing (summertime is perfect!) that cannot be removed on his/her own.  This is important!  Go back to onsie-type shirts over the underwear, or difficult overalls, if needed.

Now let your little dry Cutie Pie do whatever he/she usually does during the day.  To the child, it should feel like just another ordinary day at this point.  And, just like any other day, with any other area of parenting…deal with messes as they come.J  (Keep reading…the reasons are clear!)  Let the Trickling Tyke watch you clean up the mess on the floor, as they stand uncomfortable and wet.  Then, gently take them by the hand and show them their potty chair, encouragingly reminding them to go there next time.  Then clean them up, put on dry clothing, and don’t even THINK about the “D” word!

Now…the WHY…

Here is where the age differences come in.  First, we’ll pinpoint the younger toddlers, and then we’ll move on to the older, more stubborn models.  J

Ages 15-24 Months:  Train the UN-Potty Brain

If your child is under two, this process will be a whole lot easier than if you wait until he/she is older.  At a young age, all you are facing is "training."  Children are naturally eager to learn new things, and this will be no different.  It will be an exciting, confidence-building experience that he/she will grasp and practice proudly, clapping chubby little hands together with each success!

Did you ever stop to think that to a child who has known nothing but modern, ever-absorbent commercial diapers, there has been no reason to take notice of the feelings that occur in their tummies just before they go?  Because it is a daily common occurrence that causes no discomfort or forethought...those "I need to pee" sensations have never been given much consideration.  The little guy likely doesn't even associate any feelings as being a warning that he needs to urinate.

Compare it to breathing.  You don't think about it every time you do it.  You don't really even notice it.  You take it for granted. So much so, that it is something you don't even NEED to remember…it just happens.  Until, one unfortunate day, your breathing becomes difficult, and you panic as you suddenly have to work at breathing.  Asthma has stopped by for its first visit.

Suddenly, you are faced problem that is anything BUT comfortable.  It interrupts your activities and becomes an inconvenient situation that you would never want to face again. So you seek help, determined to get help for the problem, and to learn how to avoid any future episodes. You easily remember what it felt like as it came on, and that awful experience taught you how to recognize a coming attack by the very first sensations in your chest.  The next time you feel them, you are immediately alerted...and willingly take the momentary inconvenience of going for your inhaler to prevent having to face a prolonged, uncomfortable and stressful situation.

This is what your child needs to experience.  (No, not asthma, silly!)  Up until now, nothing has ever happened to teach her to associate the pre-potty sensations with urinating.  I honestly believe most of them (at 18 months, anyhow), don't realize the two have ANY relation at ALL.  Why?  Because I have seen the "light bulb" go off in many little heads.  You will recognize when this happens...as evidenced by their surprised expression, the first, second (or maybe third) time they pee their little UN-diaper-protected pants.  Clear, unmistakable  SURPRISE.

This is the VERY experience, the absolutely necessary lesson we are denying them...when we buy products like Pull-Ups.

Little walkers have NO problem running around naked...so a missing diaper probably won't bother them at all.  Summer is a great time to potty train, because you can keep them in minimal clothing...which gives you less to wash during these first 2-3 days of learning.  But DO keep them in at least undies.  Shorts would be a good idea as well. They need to experience the discomfort of wetting their diaper-less pants.  So, take the leap...and then watch.

You can expect some crying the first time.  The second time, the peed-wee-one begins to put things together.  And by the third time (at the latest), you can expect to see the surprise on their faces just as the light bulb goes off...when they once again, feel discomfort trickling down their chubby little legs.

Hmmmm...my tummy felt funny, and then I got all icky & wet!

Hey! Last time this happened, I had the very same tummy-tickles!

And…BAM!  The association takes place.

You are almost there!  They’ve been trained to have a “Potty Brain.”  They now know when it’s coming…and they WANT to avoid the trouble!  It's NOT a fun feeling to be all wet, having to awkwardly waddle your short baby legs to find Mommy.  Not fun at ALL.  This is the point where Smart-Suzie may just get the bright idea to avoid the mess by taking OFF her clothes before letting it out.  If she is old enough to remove them on her own, you need to put her in a onsie, or overalls...anything she cannot remove herself.  DISCOMFORT MUST be an IMMEDIATE, natural consequence...every single time.

Yes, it will be a busy first day for you.  But I PROMISE you...One or two rough days beats 9 months of continuous failure EVERY time.  :)

Age 25 Months and Up: RE-Train the Potty Brain

Unfortunately, if you have already waited until Little Larry is over two and a half, you have built obstacle upon obstacle...making the task seemingly insurmountable.  By now, your Super-Stinker has made the sensation-association all by himself.  You may find him squatting in a corner behind a chair, chubby face red with extreme concentration.  He may even be old enough to be embarrassed about it, holding up one chubby hand in effort to halt you as he grunts, “Go WAY!!”


This is a clear sign that he already HAS a potty brain…and that, my friend, is very hard to RE-train.  He knows when it’s coming.  Though unintentionally, you have trained him to go potty in his diaper.  I'm sure you've noticed and been frustrated by the fact that he will even withhold until he gets a new, clean diaper on.  That’s more comfortable for him…and more costly for you!

But take heart!  This CAN be done, in three days.  And guess what?  It’s NOT up to the Toddling Tyke.  It’s up to YOU!  You get to make the decision to dis’ the diaper days.

For the older child, it is a little like trying to quit drinking...while living IN a bar with a personal bartender who would rather give him what he wants & go back to her business, than endure his dramatic, time-consuming arguments & endless pleading.  (Yes, Mommy only gets paid with another peaceful, pee-free few hours...but it IS easier than potty training.  For THAT moment, at least.)

Are you DETERMINED?  If not, then don’t even START.  If you put them on an on again, off again roller-coaster of training, you can expect to face wet beds through age 12…no joke.  Your dedication is all the more imperative with an older child...because if he or she, at any point, senses that your resolve is weakening (you sighing, or getting up in a slow, fatigued manner, etc), their own stubbornness will be reinforced.  Trust me...your child KNOWS where your "buttons" are...and will push them extensively...and at your weakest moment.  Why?  Because they know that's how they WIN, silly!  DO NOT LET TIREDNESS wipe out your persistence!

With the older child, follow the very same steps as you would for a younger child.  But when you get down on their level for your little potty-presentation, don’t expect the excitement that a younger one displays.  Feeling fear of the unknown, your little Potty-Pouter will likely react with one strong emotion or another.  Whatever comes up, let him experience and express it.  But do NOT back down.  This is up to the ADULT…not the child.

Just as a side note, (you don’t mind if I rant for a mini-sec, do you?) it always amuses me to hear a parent sigh, “I guess she’ll do it when she’s ready!”  I hear it when an embarrassed parent gives up trying to get little Sally-Stubborn to retreat from McDonald’s Play Land…when little Alex-Apathy refuses to pick up his blocks…and when talking about the impossibilities of finding a prize, sticker or chart adequate enough to motivate potty training.

Scenes like this make me want to delicately descend like an angelic little fairy, flutter sweetly right before their fatigued form, smile with gentle sympathy…and then give them a firm SLAP across their face.  Wow.  Don’t get me started.  Isn’t it pathetic to see a 26 pounder who poops his pants…lead a 260 pound, well-educated grown man around…as with a leash?  Where children reign…there will be chaos.  BE THE PARENT. Make the rules.  Don’t BE “ruled.”  Alrighty, then!  Now that I’ve finished fuming…let us continue…J

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Lessons Learned...Through Experience:

I potty trained my oldest when he was 15 months old.  I had an Oriental friend that once told me that in her village, they had their babies trained at 3 months old.  Yes, you heard me…THREE MONTHS.  That is another process, all together!  But, if they can do it in infancy, I determined that surely MY son, the smartest, cutest, most intelligent human born-to-date...could surely be trained at an earlier-than-normal age.  J  I waited until he could walk, and make a sound or motion to indicate that he needed to go pee-pee.  Then, I planned, purged, promised, presented and plunged!

It didn’t take the full 3 days…but it was a learning experience for me, as well as for him.  I’ll never forget the look on his face the second time he trickled all over himself, and made the association.  He was very animated with his expressions, and I swear he could raise his eyebrows a mile high!  That was the second, and final time he peed his undies without making some preparations first.  Feeling that way twice was enough for him!

Mommy Lesson # 1:  A few hours later, he toddled in and proudly brought me his completely dry undies.  I was SO excited!  Together we went to look in the little potty.  I was glad I had not shown an abundance of praise at this point, because the thing was bone dry.  Still, he deserved some praise for his willingness to try, didn’t he?  I said, “Did you try to go potty?”

He gave hair bounced as he gave his head a firm little nod and declared, “Pee!” with inflection that sounded as if he were arguing with me.  Arguing…with what?  With “try” maybe?  Was he telling me he DID go pee?  I suddenly realized that just because he was smart enough to take the undies OFF, didn’t necessarily mean he did so in the bathroom. 

I looked at him in confusion and asked, “You DID go pee-pee?”

He said it again, firmly...and this time with a stomp of his Chubba-Bubba foot to the ground.  There was no doubt.  Great…where?  I asked him to show me his pee-pee, and he proudly showed me the pretty yellow puddle he had planted on the kitchen floor.  J  I laughed…and learned…to put a onsie over his undies from that point on.  The snaps were too hard to undo, and if he was going to go without asking for help, he would have to feel it.

But, guess what?  He never did!  I caught him attempting to remove it a couple of times, but he soon gave up and came to me to say, “Ah, pee?  Ah, pee?”…eagerly taking my finger to walk with me to the bathroom.  Then came Mommy’s lesson #2!  Little Johnnie sat on the john like such a good little boy!  And we were both delighted to hear the sound of water.  Momentarily.  Then, I realized that his little stream was coming right over the top of the little seat to land on his once-dry undies…and my shoes.  Sure, that’ll teach him.  Let Mommy help you so that we can get your clothes, and her shoes wet all in one sprinkling shot!  L

Lucky for me, aside from the potty chair, I had been given a potty seat that sits up on top of the regular toilet seat, making the hole smaller.  This potty-topper had a little cup that protruded up two inches from the front…which I thought would be terribly annoying to use, because I would have to be sure to lift him pretty high to make sure he got his short spread legs up and over the thing before resting the little Bummy-Boy on the cushioned seat.  But…ah-ha!  Now, I suddenly understood that the thing had a VERY useful purpose, and I ran for it with a thankful heart. 

Luckily, he did not give up after that first successful mess.  The potty chair went out the window (well...into the closet, at least), and the Potty-Topper seat became our best friend!

One week later, while playing indoor soccer with my husband and my Perfect-Pee-Boy in the stand, I was injured.  Badly.  I couldn’t walk for a week…at all.  My husband was in school and working full-time.  We lived in Oklahoma, with our closest family in Utah.  I was Baby Bubba's sole care-taker!  I could not help him go potty…and he was too small to do it himself.  We had no choice…but to put him back into diapers. 


Even months later, when we went through it all over again, I wasn’t quite ready to give up an ounce of my precious sleep.  Thus, we used pull-ups “just for night,” we told ourselves.  This, Mommy Lesson # 3, took several years to learn…but at the risk of embarrassing him, I’m going to share it with you for your own benefit.  By using pull-ups at night, we unknowingly taught his body and his brain...that it was okay to let loose when at rest.  Consequently, he struggled with wetting the bed until he was almost ten.

This is already getting too long, so I will save you the drama of re-living all six potty-training experiences…and just jump from my first and youngest trainee, to my last and oldest.

My baby was 2 ½ when I took the reigns with her.  She is my second husband’s first and only biological child.  And she is sickeningly spoiled! He was not eager to allow her to face ANY discomfort, and prohibited any training efforts (or hair combing, face washing, obedience training, etc…) that I knew it was high time to employ.  It was horrible...and our home was run and ruled by a two-year-old Potty-Pantsed Paytie.

Until Daddy was gone one day.  Nearing the end of yet another package of pricey disposable diapers, I found the courage to defy him!  :).  But I knew I only had one day to make enough progress that he wouldn't over-rule me the minute he returned.

I sat down with her as soon as she woke up that morning, and explained to her that it was time for her to be a “BIG Girl” and use her princess potty so that we could call her Princess Paytie.  I tried to show excitement…but by child number six…and the most exhaustingly Spoiled Sweetie...I was just tired.  She threw a fit, and even dared to scream at me, “Go buy MOE, Mama!”

So, I took a deep breath and did what any good Christian mother would do.  I lied.  Through my teeth.


“I’m sorry, Sweetie, but the store won’t let us buy any more.   They said Paytie is too BIG and she can’t have any more diapers.” I said it in my most sympathetic voice.  I pulled it off, too…because her anger dissipated immediately.  Easy, huh?  No.  She ran sobbing to the big chair in the front room, and curled up on it sobbing.  She literally mourned.  For a SOLID twenty minutes.  She knew the diapers were dead…but she was going to miss them!  They had been a friend that stuck behind her...through the thick and the thin.  :)    I respected her sadness, and stayed back to let her tears run dry.

And…that was IT.  Of course, when Daddy came home, she tattled on the store and their extreme Paytie-cruelty.  He looked at me in SUCH confusion, and I could tell he was about to lace his boots back up for a short drive to a convenience store!  But I managed to shoot him a look that must have been quite intimidating, because he managed to switch from rescuer to empath...backing up the “store” in their terribly mean decision. J

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NOTE: If you have a boy, be sure to find a potty seat with a "cup" that sticks up at the front to prevent little fountains from flooding the floor.  While training, it is nice to have a potty chair that sits on the floor simply because it is obvious when your child has success...because they leave you a mess!

But don't bother shelling out extra bucks for the latest musical princess or superhero chair that shouts, "Good job, Squirt!" when liquid touches the sensor at the bottom of the pot.  That is asking for trouble, my friend!  It turns the helpful little toilet into a play place!  One where your Mess-Making-Munchkin will quite quickly learn that by pouring the contents of his Sippie Cup into the pan... or placing his just-washed hand in...to touch the sensor...the happy little song can be enjoyed at their leisure.  Trust me...your child will play with that thing until she has it figured out!  And it won't take her long. 

Aside from the unsanitary placement of his sippie cup lid during his little sneaky escapade, OR the hand-clinging residue from previous successes...do you really want him to receive verbal praise from his favorite super hero for DOING it?  ?).  Yeah, that's a no-no!  Besides, you'll only need his chair for a very short time.  J

NIGHT-TIME NOTE:  Once the “sensation association” has been made, it is automatically applied to their little brain like paint.  It doesn’t turn off just because they go to sleep.  HOWEVER...if you allow diapers or pull-ups at bed-time, you will essentially be pouring paint thinner onto the carefully painted Potty-Brain.  You will actually be conditioning Little Boo-Boo’s body and brain to ignore the association when at rest…and it will be something you deal with for years.  Don’t do it!

If you don’t have one already, get a plastic cover to protect the mattress, and continue on as if it were daytime.  Try to give less fluids in the evenings, and make sure they go before they to bed.  Hopefully by now, you have switched from a crib to a toddler bed, or at least removed the railing from the crib.  They can likely crawl over it by now, which is dangerous in itself.  And giving them the ability to safely slip out and come to you in the night is going to be essential.

*******

If you will follow the

Five P’s to Minus PP,

You will DIS' the DIAPER DAYS

...for good!

It won’t be more than a few weeks before Little Bubby can accomplish the task all on his own, and will happily move on to learning how to start your empty dishwasher...six times per day. 

Window Wonders

For years I struggled with window cleaning.  Streaks can be stubborn, and I couldn't conquer them without MUCH elbow grease.  (And as you know, grease isn't the best glass cleaner.)

When I was about twenty, my then-mother-in-law told me her trick.  She uses a mixture of vinegar and water...and sheets of newspaper.  She was the queen of cooking, kept a very tidy house, and was right on almost EVERY housekeeping count.  Thus, I never even questioned her wisdom on the matter.  Besides, being the least expensive option, I was eager to believe!

Now days, I question everything...unless I have seen it with my own two eyes!  So, I set out to prove her right...or wrong.  The frugal part of me was hoping her vinegar/water mixture would prevail.  The lazy part of me was hoping there was something...anything...easier. If any question remained after trying these simple, common products, I would invest in some of the more expensive name brands to further my investigation.

First, and most painfully, I let the window above my kitchen sink go untouched for SIX months. Oh, the sacrifices I make in the name of science!  Next I sprayed a touch of each of the cleaners below onto the top of the window, in the same order as shown below.  I allowed each spray to naturally drip down the length of the window, and then wiped the strip with a paper towel. To document the various results, I took pictures, of course  I would never ask you to take only my words on the matter!

The product I chose for attempt #1 up was Mean Green Mildew Destroyer, a semi-generic cleaner that I purchase at our local Family Dollar for $1.50, but works very well for some jobs.  As you can see, it was a sure-fire way to turn a spotty opaque window into one big opaque streak.  And we have a LOSER!

Second, an inch or so to the left of the first streak, I shot the shameful pane with a few squirts of a generic glass cleaner I recently found that is as effective as Windex (as far as I've experienced thus far.)  I was very impressed with its capability.  Please note that the slightly askew grey line in the top of the clean line is a pole on our trampoline...and not a residing streak.

I really could have stopped there, those first results were so clear.  But, alas, my goal was to prove or disprove the water/vinegar theory...and so, my quest continued.

Next in the line-up, came Mean Green Commercial-Strength Degreaser.  Though it is quite powerful on my stove & appliance surfaces, I wasn't expecting much on the window scene.  Nevertheless, it certainly beat its mildew-destroying brother.  In fact, I think if combined with a little of that old fashioned elbow grease, a determined (and slightly bored) person could make it do.

It was time to try the totally edible common recipe ingredient, which works wonders on chrome & bathroom fixtures.  I was pretty sure this would beat the degreaser...but it would take a lot to wipe out the generic glass cleaner.  However, it did just that.  And with utter ease, I might add.  It was certainly the winner thus far, followed closely by the glass cleaner.  I do wish I had an even background in each picture, to make the differences even more clear to the digital-image-viewing eyes...but if my words do count for anything...you may take them to heart that vinegar was incredible!

Still, prudence kept me hoping that the next attempt, vinegar diluted with water, would hold to the same standard as its pure version, because folks...vinegar is more expensive than the generic glass cleaner.  However, my hopes weren't very high being that I have used vinegar & water for years.  Look below, and you can see how much time & effort this one instance of following the advice of previous mother-in-law has cost me. Check out those ridiculous streaks!

 Finally, and only because I had a little space left and it was at hand, I tried my diluted bottle of pine sol.  My guess was right on with this one...it was a TOTAL bomb

To sum it up, I would certainly rate these products as following:

FIRST PLACE:  Pure Vinegar

SECOND:  Generic Glass Cleaner

THIRD: Mean Grean Degreaser

FOURTH:  Ah, heck...why rate the rest?  Instead, let me simply give a hearty shout-out regarding their effectiveness on the window scene:

"DON'T USE MILDEW REMOVER, PINE SOL, OR DILUTED VINEGAR ON WINDOWS."

They are truly a window pane.

Duh.

Next week...we'll test the generic glass cleaner against some name brands, as well as tub/sink/counter cleanters!

You Put WHAT In Your Hair???

Aging Allergies

Quick post:  Two days ago I used Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action Treatment Cream containing 10% benzoyl peroxide.  I bought it for my teens, as it was on clearance...and I had an incredible coupon that made it free.  Who could resist THAT?  Sheesh.

Anyway, being the ever-wise mother that I am, I decided to try it first...before giving it to my kids.  The result?  Pain. Redness. Swelling. Burning, and an emergency trip to see my doctor two days later...as symptoms progressed...worse by the HOUR!  Severe allergic reaction.

Now I sit waiting for my prescription of steroid ointment, contemplating an entire WEEK without a speck of make-up...and whether that consequence will end up being more painful for ME...or my FAMILY.  :)  My face looks as though I have gained 50 pounds, overnight.  I'd post a picture...but I'm a little too vain.  And too considerate!

Lesson:  Even if you have NEVER had an allergic reaction in all your live long days, in spite of ignoring every patch-test recommendation printed in bold on many products?  Be aware that as you age...your skin does become more sensitive.  You may not ALWAYS be lucky.  Patch-test, Patsy!

Uh…Can You READ???

My favorite T.V. quote was spoken by a grandmother (played by Tyne Daly in “Judging Amy”) to her eleven-year-old grand-daughter whom she finds sitting at the kitchen table casually flipping through the pages of a periodical.  The young girl suddenly asks, “Grandma?  What is ‘Anorexia’?”

The Grandmother calmly slips the reading material out from under the mesmerized child’s eyes, tossing it quickly into the garbage can as she answers with conviction, “It’s a disease women get from reading magazines.”                                                                   

Disclaimer: I would like to first say that I am sure that you, my intelligent reader, could not possibly need to hear one word of what you are about to read.  In fact, I’d like to say that no person exists who doesn’t already see straight through such subjects.  Sadly, I know better.  Sickly, I know several.  So…here’s to you, my foolish friends.  J  (The rest of you can read on, too.)

As I watch my children grow into teenage sponges, anxiously absorbing anything they hear that doesn’t come from me or the pulpit, I can’t help but realize how sly, manipulative, and even malicious media can be.  All forms.  My form of choice is printed…in black and white.  That way, I can easily analyze, re-reading it several times if I must.

So, in preparation to make my point here, I set out to find a claim I could dissect and dissolve.  It didn’t take me long!  I grabbed the first thing I saw…which, thanks to today’s postal prolapse, I quickly found…hidden from little eyes…in my own bathroom garbage can.  I opened it up somewhere near the middle, and never even had to turn the page to find a valid example.  Not even once.

"Experience T.E.H. Collection.  Created with the powerful anti-oxidant, sushiguts.  A proven anti-aging ingredient found in nature, sushiguts goes deep to keep cells healthier, longer while being gentle on the skin--making it the perfect anti-aging solution for even the most sensitive skin."

The above is a slightly altered (name & ingredient only) paragraph is found in a recent copy of a world-wide, well known style magazine.  (In fact, the magazine is quite “in style.” J)  The opposite page displays the most beautiful brunette with an illuminating complexion…without a wrinkle on her face or a grey hair on her head.  The reader can’t help but admire and envy her captivating beauty.  She looks so fresh and young. (Okay, stupid…that’s because she is young.  And painted over, in case you are really that gullible.)

To the casual reader, the two-page spread appears to be just another well-researched and reliable article published by the popular, prestigious periodical.  Of course, if one is diligent enough to run for their glasses and some good lighting before absorbing the implications as fact, one small, lightly printed word does appear in its strategically-placed, easy-to-miss location on the first page.  One word that should slap any logical reader with clue numero uno.  It reads, "Advertisement."

At he very least, THAT should remove SOME of your gullible acceptance, with the knowledge that a company, determined to pocket your money, has paid big bucks to purchase the very large space…just so that your eyes would see it, hopefully fall for it, and make them all the richer for it  This fact should send you sprinting for your mental magnifying glass before moving to your computer to tap your credit card numbers onto the already green fields of their website.

First, let us dissect the paragraph, shall we?

First sentence:

"Experience T.E.H. Collection," means, simply, "Buy and use our product."  Well, doesn’t that go without saying?  Sure…but the reason they said that…and printed it exactly where it is…is not quite so obvious, at first glance.

Second Sentence:

“Created with the powerful anti-oxidant, [sushiguts]”. By golly…grab your phone!  Run to your computer! 

Nah…how ‘bout ya jest keep reading, Dopey.

Third Sentence:

“A proven anti-aging ingredient found in nature, sushiguts goes deep to keep cells healthier, longer while being gentle on the skin--making it the perfect anti-aging solution for even the most sensitive skin."

Well, kiss my Aunt and name her Jim-Bob!  What do you know...the entire PARAGRAPH is absent of asterisks!  There is no legal disclaimer!  There are NO key-clue words such as, "may" or “appears”! 

YIPPEE!  For only four payments of $6,497.oo, I can look like her!  This expensive product is a scientifically proven, sensational solution!  They could not PRINT such statements, without disclaimers, if there weren’t wide, well-documented, extensively-evaluated studies to back them up, right?  That means it is all TRUE, right?  Well, yes…and NO.

Yes, the statement must hold some merit.  But, wherein doth it lie?  Uh, I mean, lay?  J  

Unfortunately, they broke no laws.  They crossed no legal lines.  It’s up to YOU to decide where to place your skepticism.  They printed the truth.  But, keep in mind, my foolish friend…what they printed, may NOT be what you read. 

Somehow, they managed to manipulate you into reading that:

T.E.H. Collection is found in nature, it’s anti-oxidants go deep to keep cells healthier, longer while being gentle on the skin--making it the perfect anti-aging solution for even the most sensitive skin.  [Really?  REALLY???]

No.  Not really.  Buy some glasses, pop a few brain-boosters and read it again, oh, ye Simpletons.

Released from the bounds of acceptable sentence structure, T.E.H. Collection contains  sushiguts!  Okay, even if it did say that (which it does not), it does not say whether the product is 98% sushiguts…or 99.99987% generic lotion…with one, miniscule, water-diluted drop of the ever-proven ingredient, sushiguts.

Nor does it say whether there have been any studies to prove that all of the other ingredients don’t completely deactivate and nullify any trace of sushiguts that there may be.

Secondly, remember that punctuation matters!

If you take notice, the paragraph actually says NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT T.E.H. COLLECTIION!  Not one word.  It suggests you experience it.  Period.  Then it goes on to profess all the proven benefits of sushiguts.  That’s all fine and wonderful, but…they’re not selling sushiguts.

Oh, bag it…I’m just going to read the dad-gum thing FOR you!

"Experience T.E.H. collection.” [Try it. Period. End of sentence. Thought finished.]

“Created with the powerful anti-oxidant, [sushiguts].”  [There is no SUBJECT in this incomplete sentence.  It only implies that something undisclosed is created with, next to or near sushiguts.] 

“A proven anti-aging ingredient found in nature, sushiguts goes deep to keep cells healthier, longer while being gentle on the skin--making it the perfect anti-aging solution for even the most sensitive skin." [Sushiguts is proven.  By itself.  And it is an ingredient of something not clearly specified.)

“You can’t be so technical!”  You sigh as you roll your eyes at me.

Why?  The law is.  Which is exactly why they intentionally said nothing about the actual product they are selling!  Hello!  It is entirely possible that there is absolutely nothing they could legally claim, without the use of asterisks and disclaimers…a trick which they’ve finally realized you may catch.

So, perhaps they added a drop of something that is remarkable, in order to make legal statements about that ingredient…and hopefully fool you into reading it as though the statements represented their product.  Duh.

Now, when they start selling sushiguts, itself…I may be the first in line.  Not.  I hate sushi.  And I’m not too fond of guts.

With two final words, I shall quit my ranting:

WAKE UP.

Glass Cleaner

As you know, I am an avid supporter of GENERIC products.  With few exceptions.  One of which is glass cleaner.  Only Windex works wonderfully...but it is too expensive!  Thus, my search for a homemade recipe began.  I didn't take pictures or keep logs because it was a while back...but the results were crystal clear!

I tried several, combinations, and here are the two I found that absolutely work wonders.  You will, however, want to be sure you have some ventilation for the second choice.

Glass Cleaner

2 c. water

1/8 c. white vinegar

1/8 c. liquid dish detergent                  

or

1 cup rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol
1 cup water
1 tablespoon white vinegar

Mix and add to an empty & CLEAN spray bottle.